The Baddest Men in the Octagon

Have you ever wondered who those weird dudes in the red/burgundy coats are during some UFC fights?

Ever wonder why they get to walk out right alongside the greatest fighters on the planet, and be front and center inside the octagon for a plethora of legendary championship fights? Ever wonder how these completely illogical-looking elderly men always appear to be completely relaxed, almost bored, in the midst of the most adrenaline-pumped sporting event on earth??

Well, the savvy MMA fan will be quick to tell you that they are merely officials from the Nevada State Athletic Commission.

This is true.  – But why are they there? How did these guys manage to score what could very well be the easiest and most awesome job in the world??  Just who are these guys???

GDCMMA contacted the NSAC, and they courteously granted us a press interview.  However as soon as we began to ask about the men in red coats, the atmosphere took a very strange turn. When pressed to explain why they would refuse to comment, the NSAC representative abruptly ended the interview.  No phone calls or emails since then have been acknowledged.

Why wouldn’t they talk about it? What could they possibly have to hide??

Stonewalled by the man, GDCMMA found itself in the middle of a good old-fashioned mystery.  After a bit of digging through our networks of contacts in the MMA world, we finally managed to find an ex-employee of the NSAC to comment on the issue.  She has however requested that her identity remain anonymous.

“You gotta understand, Nevada is a crazy state,” she explained.

“The money, insurance, lawyers, and liability stuff around there is off the charts. Especially for UFC shows or boxing… everyone wants a piece of that pie.  NSAC Has a rule they require a top level of security directly in the ring and around the fighters at all times.”

But wait – these guys?? Top security? – These over-the-hill, out-of-shape caricatures that could pass for anybody’s drunken Uncle Larry? Surely this couldn’t be true.

“Right.  OK, so get this”, our whistleblower continued;  “Zuffa creative directors said no way.  No other state or country has these demands. They didn’t want some badass SWAT dudes standing next to their smaller fighters, ruining the brand image or stealing any of the spotlight from their otherwise well-oiled show. Zuffa insisted they already had their own security, and they didn’t want NSAC taking over their routines.  So after some heated negotiations, they finally came to a unique settlement; NSAC would be granted 4 of the best security men in the world during walkouts and inside the octagon pre and post-fights, but there was a catch;  the NSAC had to promise Zuffa that they would not look in the least bit intimidating or have any charisma on camera whatsoever. Moreover, UFC demanded that they would additionally wear the ugliest jackets they could find, thus completely disappearing into the background and ignored as meaningless ‘NSAC Officials’.”

An agreement was made, and the hunt was on;  the NSAC now had to find the 4 baddest retired lethal killers available for hire, capable of ending a heavyweight melee of trained MMA fighters in an instant if they had to. But they couldn’t look like killers. They had to fit the part. Not even UFC security would be aware of their true identities.

Our insider courageously gave us names of the 4 principal Men in Red Coats, and then respectfully requested to not be questioned any further. With a bit of Anonymous-style hacking, a visit to the local library, and access to files through the Freedom of Information Act, GDCMMA has managed to identify these men conclusively, and bring you the exclusive story that has been hiding right under our noses for years;

The men who could kill Cain Velasquez and JDS and their whole crew without even breaking a sweat.  The men who could clamp down 30,000 rabid fans before they even knew what hit them.  The men who could foil a false-flag terrorist attempt before the fuckers even finished drafting it out.

They are, quite simply, the Baddest Men in the Octagon’:

 

‘Burgundy Jacket NSAC Official’ #1:

- Real Name: Jenkins McCoy

- Code Name:  Jinky

- Decorated Brigadier General in Vietnam, Legion of Merit

- US Special Forces Team Leader, National Security Foreign Relations, Iraq 1980-1884

- Inspiration for the character of Captain Willard in ‘Apocalypse Now’

- Official Kills: 17

- Unofficial Kills:  973 (637 bare-handed)

McCoy receiving Legion of Merit Medal for valor in Vietnam from President Richard Nixon, Washington DC, 1971

McCoy and Henry Kissenger, Saigon, 1973


‘Burgundy Jacket NSAC Official’ #2:

- Real Name:  Paulo de Souza

- Code Name: Burro of Death

- Head of private Special Security for both Nixon and HW Bush Sr Administrations

- Claims personal credit for the assassination of Salvador Allende during the US- funded installation of Augusto Pinochet, Sept 11. 1973

- CIA personal bodyguard of HW Bush during ‘diplomatic’ visits with Manuel Noriega, Panama, 1982 – 1984

 

De Souza with newly appointed General Augusto Pinochet and Henry Kissenger, Santiago, Chile, 1973

De Souza with Donald Rumsfeld and Saddam Hussein, Baghdad, 1983


‘Burgundy Jacket NSAC Official’ #3:

- Name:  Sanjeet Mahanthapa

- First internationally renowned martial artist from India

- 400 – 0 no holds barred fighting record in India

- Trained extensively with Bruce Lee, specifying in mortality wounds

- Was the first to call out Frank Dux, and KO’d him at a party once with 2 fingers

- Longtime friend of Gene Lebell

- Taught front kick to Steven Seagal

- ‘The most amazing fighter I ever saw” – Chuck Norris

Mahanthapa with Bruce Lee, San Francisco, 1972

Chuck Norris apologizing to Mahanthapa (place/date unknown)

 

‘Burgundy Jacket NSAC Official’ #4:

- Name: Lama Leroy Rimpoche

- First African-American Enthroned Tibetan Buddhist Tulku

- Was a Shaolin Monk for 8 years, achieved rank of Master (specialty; Tiger Fork)

- Lived in a cave in Himalayas for 14 months

- Killed a polar bear with his bare hands

 

 

Lama Leroy Rimpoche with the Dalai Lama, Rocky Mountain Shambhala Center, Colorado, 1987

Lama Leroy achieving levitation powers, Shaolin Temple, China 1981

 

 



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3 Comments

  1. Masato says:

    thanks. Here is another article I wrote a while ago in the same sort of style;

    http://masatotoysmmanews.wordpress.com/2012/05/14/nick-diaz-sacrifices-bjj-superfight-to-thwart-international-incident/

    I think its a really fun combination of writing, political commentary, and visual art… hope to do more in the future.

  2. renaultekspertiz says:

    Post very nicely written, and it contains useful facts. I am happy to find your distinguished way of writing the post. Now you make it easy for me to understand and implement. Thanks for sharing with us.

  3. Adam Morley says:

    I just about pissed my self when I saw that last picture of Lama Leroy Rimpoche levitation. Funny stuff.

 

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